Seriously bad Similes
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its
two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking
alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from
experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at
a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a
pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at
high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar
eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he
was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound
a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a 6'3" tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had
disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a
rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free
ATM.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly
the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a
Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene
had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation
in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead
of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a
sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like
maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers
raced across the grassy field toward each other like two
freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36
p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19
p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with
picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two
hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and
she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a
steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had
rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But
unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get
from not eating for a while.
22. "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving
like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
23. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame
duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe
from stepping on a land mine or something.
24. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended
one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
25. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids
around with power tools.
26. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he
heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
27. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
28. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had
forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
29. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98
missing legs.
30. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you
accidentally staple it to the wall.
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amused
giggly